Marriage Mistakes: Her Husband Was Gay

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Some women just pick wrong. Example:

I have a female cousin who is a better than average looking woman. Blonde, green eyes, though a shortie. Doesn’t look like her father at all. Must have been some all-American businessman on some business trip. (Glad they don’t read this.)

Anyways, she married some guy she had met only a month before. Whenever I hear something like that, I arch my eyebrow like the Rock. One month? I’m visiting one day and am introduced to him and his best friend. I size him up in that way all brothers and cousins usually size up men that are with our family. Close to six feet tall, moreno (means dark-skinned), and strong. He had a set of pipes. I shake his hand. All of a sudden, he spoke. He sounded like friggin Michael Jackson! I don’t know if I showed on my face what I thought of exactly at that moment. Well, after he talked to me about Tito, and Neverland, I ….kidding!
He DID sound…fey…soft…gay. Okay, I start thinking …my cousin married him. His money? No, he was average earner. His looks? What’s it worth to look muscular when his voice made him sound like Mickey Mouse? I quietly ask her sister if this guy is straight. She says yes. Alrighty then, guess this guy is just one of those mommas boys that his voice got stuck in neutral.
45 days later: I go over to visit. My cousin is in her room (their room) and her sister is in the living room. Very gloomy in there. If it were a cartoon, I swear a raincloud would be hanging over the place. I ask what’s going on. My other cousin in the living room tells me that this is not the best time to visit. (whoever is reading this, I know right now you’re nodding in acknowledgement that you know exactly what happens next).
So her sister whispers to me that my cousin found her husband locked in their room with his best friend. Mother of God! Madre de Dios! Or as we Puertoricans say “Ay Dios Mio”. Right then and there I wanted to jump up and say “Aha! I knew he was Gay!” But I didn’t. I just asked what was going to happen next. Turns out the guy ran out of the apartment with his best friend. And she was just gonna sit and wait for him because he left everything he owned there., so he had to return..if he dared. Everything he owned, except his ass! That was already owned, I guess!

Bad enough that she catches him cheating on her, but with a dude too?! And I am not homophobic, but don't marry my cousin if you are gay, okay?!  The warning signs were there too. Someone from outside should have said..”you know what? You may get offended, but he looks sorta faggy”. But then sometimes women don’t listen. Anyways, I never broached the subject with my cousin about her 45 day old marriage. But about two years later, I used to go and play pool at a certain bar owned by friends. Regular bar, straight. Nice pool tables, ice cold Heinekens. In comes the guy my cousin was married to. He doesn’t recognize me or something, cause he just ordered two beers and started playing pool. And to make it worse.. he is playing with his “best friend”! He does see me and says hi. And I swear that now he has the most queenie voice ever, and his gestures now are completely fey! I may have even dropped the Heineken. Yikes.

Jury Duty is a Rewarding Experience Part Two

The second day of jury went a little ( un poquito ) easier.


8:30- Arrive earlier this time to get a seat early. This way I don't have to sit in between two people I wouldn't sit next to on a train. Turns out that that the turn up is less than half of the previous day. Huh.


9:30- Haven't been called yet. This time I was smart and took a book with me. I start what is the beginning of reading over 100 pages. I haven't read this much in years. At one point, my head lolls down to my chest and I jerk awake. Wonder how many people saw that. So I pretend I was only cracking and stretching my neck.


10:30- A movie. One of my friends had this "rewarding experience" last month and told me they turned on the movie " Hitch ". Let's see what they have for us today. It's "Hitch". Usually I would watch a Will Smith movie, but I won't because any minute now I'll be called to do my civic duty and I'll hate missing the rest of the movie. Any minute now they will call me. Any minute.

11:00- Any minute.


11:15- Hey! I've been called! A group of twenty five is being led to a room by the judges' chambers and the court. We're assigned numbers and the mood lightens up as we all realize we may finally be out of there. ( I meant doing our civic duty soon, Mister Judge! )

11:30- We're led into the courtroom. Lawyers, defendant, victim, prosecutor, and the lady that types at 100 miles an hour is there. Stomachs are growling at this point. It echos in this huge courtroom. I ask my tapeworm to shush.

Noon- Lunch Break! As I walk near to a Dunkin Donuts, I walk by a lady that was in the jury pool with us but did not get called. She tells me that everyone else was released after we were picked. Dammit to hell! I say "good for you" and pray that this case is resolved in one day.

1:30- Now lots of joking and levity between all us prospective jurors. In fact, we joked that when the deputy would come by to pick us up from our little waiting room to head into the courtroom, we would hide and all of a sudden yell "Surprise". That was pretty funny.

1:45- We're led back into court. We have to be interviewed by the lawyers. This way they whittle down the jurors by telling us what the trial is about and if we have dealt with anything similar, they need to know about it. Turns out it's an assault and battery case between a father and daughter. Damn, I really don't want to be part of something that breaks up a family so much.

2:00- They ask if anyone has been a witness or victim to a fight, especially between a man and a woman. Now...I'm Puertorican. What Puertorican hasn't seen a male-female fight? Seriously. One of my best friends did with his woman way back when. It took three of us,all strong dudes to separate that ugly scene. Especially when he began to dominate her. So I did well. I told the truth, while also knowing that when the judge, lawyers, and the defendant walked into the judges' chambers, I would probably be dismissed. I hold back a smile. Heh.


2:30- Numbers are called. They stand up. I'm not one of them. Oh no. But then..." the ones sitting down are dismissed". We all did an imitation of the "walk of shame" out of the courtroom. But believe me, if the deputy wasn't with us, when we walked out we would have all high fived, hugged, even kissed! I only did a Tiger Woods fist pump.

3:00- Done. What a rewarding experience. Yeah right. "See you all in four years!". That was the motto there afterwards when they told us we could go.


Now don't get me wrong. If I was chosen and had to stay an extra day, I would of been the most impartial juror ever. BUT, since I wasn't...I could now go get me that chinese food that my tapeworm was growling at me for.

Jury duty sucks donkey

Jury duty sucks. Oh, I said that already?

This is how my first day of jury duty went.

8:00- Drive myself down to the courthouse. Jury duty pays about $11 half a day, $19 a full day. I am sure parking downtown will cost me half of that. Ugh. Hopefully, I'll find a ten dollar bill on the way to the juror assembly room.

8:30- An auditorium filled with a hundred other poor souls that have to do their civic duty of putting someone in jail only because we're just tired and want to get out of there. (Uh, I didn't mean that, Mister Judge!)

9:30- An hour has passed and all we have gotten through is an introduction, and reading our guidelines. There some coins for free soda. I don't want any. Free coffee. Of course when I go get some, I get five drips in one cup. I look around to see who is watching, in case I just f'd up on serving it. But nada. This sucks. Try keeping me awake during my "civic duty", u bozos!

10:30- I'm going nuts now. I should have brought a book or a couple magazines with me. I don't want their outdated Sports Illustrated mags. Oh, goody. A movie shows up on two small tv screens. And what do you know? The angle is bad, so I can't see. Not that I want to. The movie is "Must Love Dogs". Which for me means..."Will Fall Asleep".

11:30- Many groups have been selected. I'm still sitting there in a squeaky, uncomfortable chair. Hey! It's almost lunch time. I keep remembering during the introduction that they mentioned this was going to be " a rewarding experience".

Noon- As I walk several blocks to feed the monster in my belly... I keep reminding myself that this is a "a rewarding experience". And that lunch will cost several dollars more.

1:00- Lunch break is over. Back to the uncomfortable chair. Yayyyy! I wonder what movie we will get now. Better be good. Of course, none of the movies would have Richard Gere, Tom Cruise, or anyone else playing a lawyer. I always joked that on any plane I traveled, I wanted to watch "Final Destination", "Die Hard 2", or even "Alive.

1:30- Groups keep getting called. Okayyy...what is the movie? Huh. Syndicated television. "The Steve Harvey Show". (sigh). Now "The Drew Carey Show". That one is a bit better. But it all serves to remind me as they call more people to serve, that I don't even watch this stuff at home. Keep repeating to myself "a rewarding experience". Another hour sitting here, and I will get up and punch the guy who said that right in his polished teeth!

2:30- Finally. Group of thirty walk to the room we're supposed to go to. Judge has us wait, and wait, and wait. This group is pretty quiet. Almost everyone is reading something. I'm trying to read "The Onion" that I picked up during lunch. But there are two women there that make me lose concentration. One looked like Brittany Snow, the other like Peta Wilson. Sigh.

3:30- Judge tells us the case is over. Someone pled guilty at the last minute. We're all like overanxious dogs now, asking "Can we go home now"? Not that dogs talk, but you knowwwwww...

4:00- Freedom!!!!!! But we all have to come back tomorrow. Oh. I cannot wait!